happy birthday momma

The blank stare I carried with me down the long hallways of the hospital followed me to the passenger seat of my Dad’s truck. Gazing out the window on the ride home, he began to unveil what he knew of what happened, which was really only one thing: the accident wasn’t her cause of death. Waves of emotion swept over me intermittently, but the numbness followed closely behind. I had already swallowed a big enough pill that day, so in order to avoid the scene of the accident, I asked him to take the long way home. 
As I walked through the doorway, I was greeted by an emptiness the size of Africa — I could even go with Antarctica, the size of the Earth, the length of outer space, but I’m sure you can see the picture I’m trying to paint here. It was overwhelming, almost eerie. Her bed was still unmade. Pieces of her laundry still lay in the dryer. The pajamas she had worn to bed were folded on top of a pile of clothes in her closet, still warm from her cozy night sleep. She was just there.

My Dad had gone to take my brother back to his apartment, while I took the liberty of unrolling quite a bit of the Charmin Ultra off the roll and crawling into her bed. I wanted to be as close to her as possible.  I’m just realizing how classic that is. Don’t we all innately turn to our mom for her love and comfort when we’re not feeling good or when our heart is broken? Her presence alone is almost medicinal. I love my Dad, but I have to say, I was always a little bit more of a Momma’s girl. When I was little, whether I was sick or not, I would kick my Dad out of his bed, so I could sleep with her. (The Lord made me an assertive one, let me tell you.) There was never one of those night’s where she didn’t scratch my back until I fell asleep, because she knew that was “her Chicky’s” most favorite thing. I remember, one time in college, I called her when I was feeling so hopeless and heartbroken over my then boyfriend. The first thing she said to me was ‘come home and be with me’. I knew, that on this morning, it wasn’t possible for her Earthly presence to be with me, but her scent was … and I decided I would take it. If it was all that I could have, I wanted it. I knew it would fade, so I relished in this weird, but silent victory.

Everything around me was still, but my thoughts were racing:
  • “What am I supposed to be doing right now?”
  • “How can this be real?”
  • “What could it have been?”
  • “When will I know and understand?”
  • “No, but really, what am I supposed to be doing right now?”
  • “Do I call people? … That seems weird. Sure, let me call someone and get attention that is awkward for the people on BOTH ends of the phone.” 
“PRAY” … came to mind. 
“Was that You, God? Orrrr, was that me?”
is usually my next thought when words just pop into my head like that
and this time was no exception.
I started crying, because I knew it was exactly what I should be doing … seeking Him. I even had my Bible next to me, ready to find comfort in His truth and His words, but at that moment, I couldn’t think clearly enough to find where I needed to be in it. My prayer was short: “God, show me Your goodness and that You love me as I walk through this.” In hindsight, the delivery might have been more of a demand than a polite request, but He has made it clear in His multiple responses that He can handle this little lady and loves me more than anything or anyone I’ve ever known, and every will know, and is my ultimate source of peace and comfort. The way that He has moved and worked to satisfy that prayer has brought me to tears multiple times since her death, and I can’t be quiet about it.

Today marks fifty-three days since those words to Him were spoken, since she’s been gone, and since I’ve been wrapped up in her scent. Today is also her birthday, the first of many special days my family and I will experience without her. It has most certainly not been fun, especially during the process of writing this post, but it seems that grieving and writing go hand-in-hand … for me, at least. Grieving is a process that is unique to each individual that experiences it. I find that writing is one of the ONLY ways I get my emotions out in the open. It’s like free therapy. I hope you will join me on the days where I just need to share how He worked His good out of this situation, even before she died, so that I may heal and you may know Him better.

With love and sequins,
Haley

“These things I have spoken to you, that in Me, you may have peace. In the world, you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, for I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

“Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.”
Romans 8:18

“I have made you. I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”
Isaiah 46:4

“When you go through deep waters, I will be with you.”
Isaiah 43:2

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10 thoughts on “happy birthday momma

  1. Mimi says:

    I never respond to blogs, but wanted to take a moment to first tell you how very sorry I am for the sudden and unexpected loss of your precious mother. You will have many moments throughout your life when you will often wish you could talk to her or show her something or have her meet someone. (I am in your situation and I miss my mom and it has been 7 years). Since you have a gift of writing I encourage you to continue writing, it truly is excellent therapy and I speak from experience it will help with your healing. Your faith is strong and your words are a witness to His glory, faithfulness, love and peace. Your words and simple Bible quotes of comfort and strength are very touching and if they can touch the hearts and souls of your readers what a wonderful way to show love to our Father. Since this tragedy in your life, you are revealing your inner beauty and it is lovely. Keep it up!

  2. Hannah says:

    I never comment on the blogs I follow…

    which makes me think, maybe I should cause then it wont feel so stalker-ish. 🙂

    But I just wanted to tell you that I am honestly praying for you Haley. Your story is absolutely incredible and inspiring. The way you have clinged to the Lord's comfort and still have joy that only comes from Him during hard times…I'm just speechless for words to even type.

    Thank you for being so open about your mother's passing and your feelings with everything and thank you for openly sharing about the love our Father has for His children. I hope and pray that people who read your blog will come to know Him as their personal Savior. 🙂

    Praying for you and your family always!

    Hannah

    P.S. nice to meet you through good ol blog land!

  3. Itunu Aromolaran says:

    You are very brave for writing this. I'm praying for you!

  4. Glorious Peonies says:

    This post left me speechless. I truly can't imagine what the situation you are going through is like but I went through a time a few years back when my my mom had cancer and I thought it was over. My best friend would be taken away from me but God was my comfort and was the only reason she was saved and I know him today. I want to thank you for pouring out your heart in this post and for showing readers what really matters. The courage you have to share Christ with people around you inspires me and for that I want to say thank you! Thank you for showing His love, compassion and strength through your experiences. God bless you in every way possible and I pray that His goodness will be over you forever.

    gloriouspeonies.blogspot.com

  5. Sydnie says:

    Hey there. I have followed your blog for quite some time. And I've actually started to write to you many times and then erase my entire post thinking "why write, she doesn't know me, it would look totally weird and random" but here I am trying again. You have been in my prayers and on my heart and mind so much lately. Because you and me girl share a common bond. I lost my sweet momma when I was 15 years old. Just a few days shy of my 16th birthday. This Christmas will be 8 years. And it seems like you, we were the best of friends. She was my world. And I have through this I have just felt drawn to you and can feel your hurt and sadness. I talk to my husband about you all the time as weird as that may sound. Just because my heart aches for you so much. I absolutely love that you are so strong in your faith. That is the only thing that got me through my moms death. We question why things happen and why our moms were taken from us and all I can hear is what my mom always said to me is "would you want a God you could understand? Then he'd be just like you and me." I'm praying for you today on her birthday and I'm praying for the holidays. They are so tough. I pray that god will give you strength and peace. And I saw that you got your dad to go to church with you! 🙂 I don't know if that's a new thing that didn't happen when your mom was around but that makes me happy. For as long as I can remember my mom and I tried to get my dad to come to church with us on Sunday mornings and we never quite could make it happen. And I'm still workin and praying for my sweet daddy to find The Lord 😉 so I'm finding joy in seeing y'all go to church together. So I'll end this by saying that you are being thought of and prayed for by many people, even ones you've never met! 😉
    Sydnie

  6. Erin M says:

    I can only imagine how hard this post must have been for you to sit down and write. My words will probably not even make any difference and they can’t take the pain away, but I just felt I had to comment to let you know you are one strong lady and keep on doing what you’re doing. Your mum will always be with you, watching over you each and every day.

    Thinking of you and your family, sending lots of love from Scotland.

    Erin

  7. drcoreydousharm says:

    God Bless sweet girl! I can't fathom what you have gone through, but know that there are always prayers floating around out there for you and your family! Hugs & Love!

  8. Erin M says:

    This comment has been removed by the author.

  9. Amber @ Fashion, Floss and Lip Gloss says:

    Thank you for being so graceful and for sharing your story along with witnessing. What a brave, amazing woman you are!!!

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